Joe Bernstein is Invincible

A hand points up a the moon, which contains the essay's title.

you can’t kill what’s already dead

Joe Bernstein lives a life of constant and barely recognizable pain. The only thing that gets him through it, I suspect, is denying huge portions of the truth: he lives hiding his boner by crossing his legs, afraid of the hot, sick reality that is both his personal irrelevance and the irrelevance of the institutions he supports and depends on.

Obviously he writes for Buzzfeed. A lot of people do. It’s a good gig, relatively, in a field with very few of them. They pay well and they probably have a free cereal bar for employees and a bunch of insulting adult toys lying around to make it seem hip and cool and fun, the modern equivalents of rich fixtures in a Russian whorehouse.

I’ve never been to the Buzzfeed offices but I have walked around the “newsroom” at Huffington Post. It was like the beginning of Brazil – this big, almost endless room full of cubicles, each one with a person inside, typing intently with headphones on. No sound at all, just a flutter of keys and a low hum of mixed music. Most people working in these wordfarms have deadlines of a few hours. Joe Bernstein, who’s relatively high on the totem pole, probably has a few days to file his stories. Under the circumstances I’m not even sure he realizes that all he can turn out is dull, pro-state pro-corporate agit-prop, a kind of slurry of what he was taught in journalism school combined with a mindset that reifies consumption as the lone surviving god of his degenerate religion.

His piece on our main man Sammy H seems to have been constructed, pretty clearly, from the most racist possible quotes he could find based on a limited google search and watching less than an hour of MDE videos. He didn’t ask about “maximum love for all humanity” in Ideas Man, or bring up MDE’s spirited defense of burnt Bernie supporters at the Democratic convention on Twitter. He sure as shit didn’t pause the “FBI Warning” at the beginning of Doctor Manslave to read a long, beautiful essay on keyboard warrior political fucks taking potshots at the idealistic Occupy people, or think about Officer Maggot for the requisite five seconds. MDE respects idealism as a fragile human capacity, even political idealism, and there’s a real sense of hurt in both the Manslave piece and the reaction to the Bernie stuff which speaks to a shared experience in the lives of MDE’s creators and its fans: all of us, at one point or another, were forced to wrap our heads around the fact that the world we exist in does not have our best interests, or any human interest, at heart. It’s a big, sharp thresher and it’s grinding every part of us into a finely digestible paste identified chemically as JoEbErNsTeIn.

Notice how his story’s pure clickbait headline names neither MDE or Adult Swim. It calls Cartoon Network (home of megas xlr) “a time warner network,” and that’s it. Partially this is to bury the lede (bad form, Joe) so that people will click on the story to figure out what comedian and what network. But partially this is an admission of how Joe sees the world: not as content, but as context. The show’s internal workings and the method behind its comedy don’t matter to him – which is why he gets hung up on the parts designed to provoke and offend. To him a “comedy show” is just a class of commodity traded by Time Warner and similar companies, a product which can be reasonably understood simply by categorizing it by genre, political affiliation, popularity and ratings success. It isn’t a work of expression to him because he exists in a world where expression is essentially against the law. What has replaced it is a kind of eternal mechanism of corporations turning out products to satisfy an accepted spectrum of consumer opinion, To see this transgressed, to see an “alt-right” branded comedy show, is heresy within this system. Which is why he keeps praying to his Dark and Terrible God, “Time Warner,” to take the show down. I’m not kidding, read his twitter.

Ironically this idolatrous relationship proves he’s not a real jew. To be a Jew one must first, and basically, be a human being existing in the sight of a covenant-prone God. J.J. Bernzo is more like Manasseh, the heathen king, who burned his children on the altar of Moloch to shore-up his material success: a wicked fool who has accepted dark practices and false gods. A real melted toblerone

All the idiots giving Joe Bernstein shit on twitter right now are giving him more credit than he deserves. they should stop wasting their time

nothing anyone can say to joe bernstein will hurt him as badly as he has already hurt himself by opening a puzzlebox of student debt and unleashing crappy hellraiser 3 quality cenobites with dumb themes like “ipod” and “craft beer”

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